Letting Go and Sitting with the Uncomfortable

I have been in a space of letting go, with love, and sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of having a void in my life. I knew that when I started this journey of surrender, that I would probably need to let go of things before I felt I was ready to. I don’t like letting go. I’m generally pretty shit at it, but as I move deeper into my spiritual journey, I have realized that holding on doesn’t serve me or anyone else involved. Instead of holding on, I’ve started to go with the flow of what is being presented to me.

 

I have been in a happy and loving partnership for the last three years with a man I am deeply in-love with. We have our stuff but it's all been pretty workable. However, recently we’ve made the very difficult decision to part ways. We love each other and like each other and want to be together, but what I need to be happy as I move forward, is not what he feels he has to offer.  We could stay in the relationship as it is, we are in love, but ultimately, we both know that staying at this impasse will only create frustration and resentment.  I am clear on what I’m wanting in the near future, he is less so but knows that what I’m offering doesn’t feel totally aligned for him. So, we’re letting go and this is where Letting go with love comes in.

 

Last month I heard the beautiful love story of a woman who let go of her partner in a gracious, loving and kind way and I thought “I could never do that”. This woman had so much love when she talked about her former partner and the end of their relationship. I tend to be a fighter. I’m loyal and I’d rather hold on and fight it out (if necessary) than to let go; but I have been shifting, my core has changed and it turns out I’m ready to let go of my death grip on the things I thought I could (and desperately wanted to) control in my life. 

 

It feels uncomfortable, painful and terrifying to create this void in my life. To leave a good relationship and yes, I’ve been second guessing myself, wondering if I’ve made the right decision, but I choose to jump and trust that I will be caught- as I have been so many times before. 

 

I’ve been writing a lot through this process, all my unresolved anger and resentments, my sadness, my love and until the day my ex-partner and I met to confirm our breakup I felt grounded and clear. When I woke up that morning I was filled with rage- all my Buddhist clarity and feeling like I was letting go of attachment was replaced by anger, feelings of rejection and hurt. That wasn’t what I wanted to bring into my meeting with my beloved. The voice I kept hearing in my head was “Who do you want to be?”. Do I want to be that insecure woman clinging to something because she’s too afraid to let go- certainly that’s a part of me- or do I want to choose a different reaction even if it’s terrifying and means I will go through grief?

 

So, I’m choosing to go through the grief and the sadness but also to lean into the idea of loving my former partner through this process. I’m choosing to create ritual and closure for what has been a beautiful and meaningful love affair. Anger, insecurity and resentment are still popping up for me. I am not doing this perfectly by any means but I’m trying and I’m observing my thoughts and reactions. My conscious intention is to let go with love. To open my heart in the face of adversity. To sit in my grief when necessary rather than trying to outrun it. I’m tired of grieving. I feel like I’ve done a lot of it over the last couple of years but I can also see the transformation that’s happening inside me and is being reflected in my life. 

 

I am calm and content most of the time right now. I have 100% more energy than I did six months ago. My interactions with people are deep and connected. I feel excited about the day when I wake up in the morning. All of this lets me know that I’m on the right path and that processing this emotion is actually creating space for me to be the next version of myself and to live with more joy and freedom.

 

So, I’m letting him go with love and it breaks my heart, and I’m letting the old me go with love and in some ways that breaks my heart too. But despite my sore heart, underneath it all, I can also feel the joy and excitement about embarking on this next step of my journey.

One of the many beautiful things about being a Buddhist is that I know that my ex-partner and I will never truly part, we will continue this in another lifetime so nothing ever really ends. To be continued…

Surrender and Learning How to Be in the Flow

I’ve been learning a lot about healing and surrender this year. It’s been fucking uncomfortable! But worth it. For the first time in a long time I’m going into this new season feeling grounded and content. I have pared back my life so much this past year, giving up performing for the year, teaching less, allowing myself to hibernate and heal and setting lots of healthy boundaries so I could do all of this. I’ve also been spending a fair amount of time in quiet contemplation. This used to be one of my favorite things to do but since cell phones and being constantly connected have come to pass I have found it more and more difficult to just Be. To let go of being plugged into the constant stream of information. I believe that sitting quietly in contemplation or nothingness is integral for good emotional, physical and spiritual health. This quiet space is where we can hear the answers to the questions we are asking, where healing happens, where creativity starts to blossom.

 

My focus for the fall is to continue the practice of surrender and to cultivate just Be-ing. It sounds boring and like nothing will get done but what I’ve learnt after striving and pushing and succeeding is that when you let go -  things still happen. You just aren't battling yourself to make it happen. You are in flow rather than swimming upstream with all your might. I still set intentions and work towards my goals but I allow the universe to take over the heavy lifting. Amazingly enough success comes much more easily this way, although not necessarily in the ways or areas I was expecting. That is part of the surrender, being willing to be flexible, go with the flow and be open to the opportunities that present themselves rather than the ones I think I should have or should be striving for.

 

So tell me what are you surrendering to right now? How do you get into your flow state? What healthy boundaries are you setting so you have enough time for self care and creativity?


I’m wishing love, abundance and ease <3


Rosie