I’ve had all the kinds of sex. I don’t mean I’ve done every sexual thing, I mean I’ve had good, bad, very bad, very good and amazing sex! I’ve had a wide array of sexual experiences with a number of different partners and in the last 5 or 6 years the sex was more often than not really, really good.
I’ve always been interested in human sexuality. My step father was a sex therapist while I was growing up so my house was filled with books on sexuality which I read voraciously. So you could say I’ve been consciously thinking about human sexuality and to some degree studying it, since I was about 12 years old.
By the time I started to study Tantra I thought I was having some of the best sex there was to have. I was multi orgasmic, I had very few inhibitions and happily explored my fantasies with an array of different partners. I could and did spend hours making love. The sex was good, really good but there was one thing missing. I never felt satiated. I felt sexually satisfied but I also felt a need for more as soon as I was done.
I instinctively had an idea that I could get to a totally higher realm of being through sex but I just couldn’t seem to find the way. I kept having glimpses of something that was beyond just good sex but I didn’t specifically know how to access it. The sex I was having was physically great but not hugely connected even though I really liked my partners and even loved some of them. What I was missing and what I was longing for was a connection to the divine. An extended and conscious experience of the glimpse of enlightenment we get through orgasm.
I have believed since I was a 13 year old, in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction, that all longing is a longing for the Divine. By Divine I mean connecting with something beyond ourselves. As a Vajrayana Buddhist I don’t believe in a Capital G God, I believe in the divinity in each of us and that when we connect with that divinity we step into our highest selves and remember that we are all part of a greater whole.
This is the Divine I was longing for and trying to fuck my way to. And no amount of amazing masturbation, or group sex or sexy partners where getting me there.
When I started studying Tantra I didn’t even know that I could achieve something beyond what was happening for me sexually. Things were good. I had a great sex life. I had many wonderful partners. I felt really good in my body. I thought I was going to learn how to have even better orgasms and how to teach other people how heal their sexuality using sex as medicine.
What has happened for me since is a HUGE healing of old trauma and a potent learning about how to connect to the divine through my own sexual energy (with or without a partner). I no longer need a partner to help me connect with that transcendent experience- I can connect through myself using my sexual or non sexual tantric practices. This divinity exists in me and through me. When I am with a partner the level of connection, opening, trust and intimacy is very high and so is the pleasure. The pleasure I experience now is something that sits in my pelvis like a little fire for days or weeks- long after the bliss of orgasm is gone.
For me the mixture of spiritually and sexuality is something that feels deeply true and right. There is an intersection that connects sexuality, spirituality and creativity and when we tap into this we step into our highest selves and most potent power. There is a reason why sexuality and its expression is seen as taboo. It’s because it is our power source. Can you imagine what it would be like if every person stepped into their power? If women embraced their bodies and sexuality instead of obsessing about how they look (I’m not judging, I do it too) and men embraced a fuller aspect of their sexuality that involved nurturing and sensuality. I think the world would be a very different place.
So now it’s pretty rare for me just to have a really good orgasm. Each orgasm is a conscious glimpse of enlightenment that brings healing and a deep and powerful connection to the divine. I went from Mind Blowing sex to Spirit Opening Sex!!!
A couple of things that have changed for me since I started this practice:
I no longer have multiple partners- it is hard to find even one person with energy channels that will match yours. Now that I am energetically very open I definitely feel the residue of energy left over from a person I’m not aligned with- their energy can also block my energy channels so I am VERY discerning about who I share myself with sexually.
My whole life is my Tantric Practice- Sex no longer seems taboo at all to me. It is just part of being healthy as a human. I see my sexual needs as natural, normal and very healthy. I also integrate non sexual tantric practices into all areas of my daily life.
I look internally for gratification- this has been a big one. I’m a performer and a professional sexy woman. I have build a life around having external gratification. It has been hard but I now look inside to see my own worth rather than looking to an audience, partner, parent, authority or friend. It was hella painful for about a year but the more I turn inward the more free I feel.
I recognize my own divinity and call myself to step into it- This is really about personal responsibility. When I step into my own divinity it means I need to choose love, divine compassion, maturity and take responsibly not just for who I am and how I affect people but also for what I’m drawing into my life. If my life is shit it’s because of me. It is so much easier to blame other people but you have SO much more freedom, happiness, power and ability to serve the world if you walk this path.
So yah, the sex I have is often beyond mind blowing because of the level of healing I get from it, because of the creative opening, because it calls me to my highest self and because if I share this with a partner I am offering all of this to them as well.
I wish you amazing sex, many orgasms and most importantly a connection with the Divine (whatever that means to you).
If you want to learn more about Tibetan Buddhist Tantra you can contact me or check out my teacher Devi Ward at www.authentictantra.com