I was talking with my Mom last night and realized that every time I am about to accomplish something that has been a big dream of mine, I am usually at the height of stress and self doubt. It is rare that I gracefully revel in my own levelling up, or bask in the glory of my achievements. I am usually running around in the background, freaking out or in a high state of anxiety. Sometimes, these things have pushed me so far that my body has rebelled and making me very physically ill.
So, why is this? I want to be like those Instagram Goddesses - glistening, looking like I just stepped out of a yoga class, but with my hair and make up perfectly done. The ones with the flowing goddess-esque clothes, taking pictures of my gorgeous, clean house, sharing with you a serene behind the scenes me as I prepare to go to Bali, and release my first online course. (PLEASE LET THAT BE REAL SOMEDAY! LET THAT BE ME!!!) But, instead it’s 4pm and I’ve been writing copy all day for the online course and haven’t bothered to even get dressed yet. I smell bad because I haven’t showered in 3 days and I haven’t yet brushed my teeth today. All of my tantric spaces are in upheaval because I have been rummaging through the house looking for what I'm going to need to bring with me for my 5 weeks away, and I’m on day 2 of cleaning the bathroom (I believe in breaking things down to make them manageable - this will be a 2-3 day task).
This is not the life of a goddess, an achiever, a woman who is living her dreams. Or is it?
After carving my path and being an entrepreneur for my whole adult life, what I have learned is that living your dreams is rarely glamorous unless you diligently plan for it to be that way (I totally forgot to plan for glamour, but I am ON IT for next time). It takes a HUGE amount of self motivation to work towards your dreams, and for me that is interspersed with frequent talks with my inner critic, asking it to just take a seat so I can just get this shit done!
I believe that I can learn to do this without the level of anxiety and discomfort that usually comes along with a success for me. I don’t believe there is a need to suffer for your art, or to make money, or to do or gain anything of value. The first step of being able to enjoy the process of being successful is recognizing the pattern I’m living in right now.
This time around I have been SO much better at managing the discomfort of success. I have two massages booked this week. I am doing my daily quick heart centred meditation and adding in my long Tantric meditations as I can. I am remembering to breathe and I’m eating healthy food. I have a whole team supporting me! My feelings of anxiety are not really about what I’m experiencing in the moment, my feeling of anxiety is caused by the ghost of past success where my inner critic was running wild telling me that nothing I could ever achieve would be enough. Yes, I still have a lot of work to do, but it’s manageable. It’s funny how the replay of those old feelings stick around - they were never the truth, and even now that I have the evidence that they are not the truth, it is still like an old movie on reply.
So, in the spirit of letting go of old patterns and welcoming in new ones, I am going to tell you what’s working for me and where I have been able to be present in this success. I went to get groceries the other day and the cashier asked me how my day was. I told him that I had spent the day filming for my online course and now I was picking up some food so I could cook for my team for our business meeting. His response was, “Wow, that sounds like a great day!” and in that moment I was able to meet him and say, “Yeah, my life is awesome!”. When I take a moment to be present to the truth of my life this is what I feel! My life IS awesome!
Evidence of my awesome life:
Being deeply entrenched in creating these online courses has been so healing. I have needed to step into my practices in order to create these courses, so it has forced me to do my practices during a time that I find very stressful.
Have I mentioned that my team is AMAZING!? I am feeling so blessed to work with Carmel, Brittany, and Mickey. They make my life SO much easier. It is wonderful to feel so supported in my business!
Holy crap, guys! I’m offering a retreat and PEOPLE ARE COMING!!! As I’m planning the last minute details for the retreat, I am getting more and more excited about being there. I love this work and am so grateful for the beautiful souls who are going on this adventure with me. PLUS I have Misty Moss and Goldie Glitterous as my co-facilitators throughout the week!! SO, not only do I get to take a group of wild women to Bali for the Experience of a lifetime, but I get to do it with 2 of the sweetest, most generous, and fun ladies ever!
And if that was not enough, did I tell you I’m making a stop in New Zealand to teach some workshops and see a dear friend before I come home? Yeah, no big deal! My life rolls like that!!!
To top it all off, holy gratitude, Batman! My glorious family is the best! I feel grateful on a daily basis that I have been lucky enough to have the children I do. My son and I talk daily - we geek out about business and health and spirituality, and my daughter teaches me lessons in how to be actively practicing compassion by how she views and interacts with the world. I know it's not always easy for them to have such an unconventional mother but they take it in stride and value how I’m showing up in the world.
So, I guess living your dreams really is worth it. Life is stressful no matter what, so we need to learn and put into practice the skills to deal with the challenging parts no matter what we do. The payoff from the challenges I have experienced while creating this life is if I can slow myself down, do my practices, and just be present in the moment, I will actually have many, many extraordinary moments.
Just like I told that cashier “Yeah, my life is awesome!”