Dreaming Is Free

What a roller coaster ride living is right now!
 

I am starting to dream about the life I want to create -  right now and in the future. At every stage of my life dreaming has been essential in creating what my future looks like. Usually, I have a vision of what my world will look like in 6 months, a year, or 5 years.  With these visions, I can dream and make plans to attain those dreams by having some idea of what steps I will need to take (or at least what could be at my disposal). However, the world does not exist like that right now. I know that I want to organize another retreat, but I have no idea when I will be able to offer that, or what the world I will be offering it to will look like.


My first instinct after realising this was to feel fear and sadness - grieving for what we’ve lost.  However, as I sit with this idea - that on a very real level the future is completely unknown to us - I am getting excited. The unknown means that things can be better or beyond my previous imagining. For me, it means that right now is the perfect time to dream. To start to feel into my heart's desire of what I would like to create moving forward, and what I would like this new world to look like. I will do what I’ve always done; dream bigger than anything I think I can create and then take the tiniest step in that direction. I will be open to change, and remain non-attached to the outcome.  There is this complete unknown at the other side now, which adds a different element to my dreams, but I am choosing to perceive it as an opportunity to let go of what has been limiting my beliefs previously, and to dream beyond anything I could have imagined.
 

As an adventurer, I am excited to move into this new world. To co-create it. To dream dreams that I didn’t think could exist in the way we lived formerly (guaranteed annual income, universal health care for all,  new ways of creating, life slowing down, and people connecting in deep and intimate ways). As a mother and daughter and lover of humans, I am nervous. My heart is heavy as it anticipates the losses we will experience in our families and communities. 

At every challenging time in my life I have used dreaming to pull me forward. 
 

I remember walking through the streets as a young single mother, pushing my son in his stroller, and wondering if I had $5 in my bank account so I could buy our dinner for the night ( having my bank card denied was beyond embarrassing for me, so I spent a lot of time worrying about it). As I was worrying and wondering, I walked past a spa and thought “One day I will have a career where I need to go to the spa and get my hair and my nails done - all of this will be part of my life”. That could be seen as a silly or frivolous wish, being that I could barely put food on the table, but having “silly” or “unrealistic” dreams have led to every good thing that has happened to me or that I’ve created in my life. I have never been willing to live in my circumstances and I think that is one of my greatest strengths. I believe in magic, I believe that miracles do happen, and I believe that our lives can be what we would like them to be. So far my life has proved these beliefs to be true.
 

So, right now I am dreaming of my backyard being filled with a community garden, of all of our immune systems evolving to deal with COVID-19 so we can process it easily and without harm, of the next time I run a retreat in Bali (Fall 2021 or Winter 2022?) and all the beautiful things I’ll be adding into it.  I am dreaming of a world where wealth and health care are more evenly distributed, and where we are united as a global human family with big shows and gatherings, love, laughter, and us holding each other once again.  So joyful to be in each others arms.

I’m writing these dreams down and taking one tiny step in that direction. I am not rushing, and instead am trusting that it will all happen in its own perfect time.
 

Tell me what you are dreaming about. Post about it. Share it with others. We all need to be reminded to dream right now, and to be supported in what we are dreaming this new world will look like. 

I love you and I look forward to hearing about what your heart is longing to create.

TRANSITIONING INTO A NEW WORLD

What an incredible time we are living in. I am home and in self isolation.

How are you? How are you managing through this very different world we are living in?

I feel like there is this beautiful pause right now; a small grace period for us to get provisions and examine our next steps before we see fully how COVID-19 will affect us.

I am trying to figure out what my next step is. My business (as with many others ) has been hit very hard by the effects of COVID-19. So, I’m looking at what it means to shift all my classes, workshops, and private sessions online, and most importantly, figuring out what the world needs from me. 

My focus is shifting. I will still be offering classes and workshops in Burlesque and Tantra with a focus on how to weave sexuality and creativity into your daily life, but I am now also thinking about things like growing food by creating a community garden in my backyard (if you know how to do this or have access to resources let me know), what people need right now to reset their nervous systems so that they have the best possibility of staying well, how to virtually gather and build community together etc…

I would love to hear from you about what you would like me to offer.

I’m thinking I will have 2 streams to share: Pre-recorded online courses that you can begin and enter at any time from any place in the world, and live online courses that will be limited to a certain number of people and will have scheduled times.  I will have some of these offerings available in the next week or two.

I am recognising how important it is to allow myself to move slowly, to have more time to sleep, and to make being in the sunshine my #1 priority. Through all of that, I am also feeling the pressure to change my business quickly so I can be of service and earn an income to support my family.

There are so many opportunities to support one another and to let go of old ways of being. We are transitioning into a new world and we collectively get to decide what values it will have. My hope and belief is that it will be a kinder, more heart and community centred world than the one we’re leaving. 

I will leave you with something I wrote yesterday as I was working out some of my fear and grief around all the change we are growing through.

“I’m feeling some grief and sadness today about what is yet to come. About the climbing numbers, the impending deaths, the economic crash and the world that will look very differently to the one I left when I entered social isolation a week ago.

All of these things seem true and very real right now and yet, I need to remind myself that the story is not yet fully written. I need to remind myself to leave room for the unknown. I need to remind myself that as sad as it is, people we love die every day. I need to remind myself that the beauty of being alive often balances, if not outweighs the tragedy. And I need to take myself out of the headlines because self isolated in my home I’m doing every practical thing I can do to prevent those numbers from growing and beyond that all I can do is surrender.

Surrender…

Fuck, I hate surrender. It is a leap of faith. It is totally letting go into the unknown. I have been sitting with the idea of impermanence for over a year now. It has torn me up, created fear and sadness. I have fought against it and  finally I have grieved over the realization that there is nothing permanent I can hold onto. That there is nothing permanent I can give to my children and my loved ones. Except for me. I am permanent. I am home and I am love. And this is really all I have to give to those around me.

When I leave this body (hopefully many long years in the future) my energy will still exist and there will be parts of me that linger on in memories and writings, in my children’s faces and hands, in the bugs that eat my corpse.

This thing that we are is the only permanent thing, not our houses or our money or our careers or even our bodies. Just this fierce spirit that lives within.

In this false world we’ve created, it is terrifying to think about because It seems so much less solid than the things we’ve come to depend on but the truth is that we are enough. And how beautiful, what a miracle that what we’ve got to give each other is - our deepest truths, our true selves.

Right now each soul and spirit is turning into the very same song. We are here experiencing this incredible moment in hand wellness. Please reach out and let me know how I can best be of service to you during this time.istory. Together, as a human family, for the very first time.  “

I love you and I’m wishing you good health   ❤️

Magic Happens!

I wanted to write about the retreat, but it’s so hard to put into words all of the magic that happened this close to the journey. To say that it was a success is an understatement.

The first day was pure bliss. I remember writing the copy for the landing page for the retreat and envisioning women having intimate, heartfelt conversations, and bonding while sitting around the pool. Then, that is exactly what happened.  Within less than 24 hours we were a sisterhood, a community, and by the time we started the Tantric work on our first full day together, there was already a deep bond forming. Working with the elements through Tantric practice in Bali is like creating magic on an amplifier. The healing was deep - I went into the first day with what I thought was a very badly sprained hand, and it was completely healed by that evening. The release was HUGE and the underlying feeling of bliss and fun stayed with us through everything.

By the afternoon, we moved into breath work with Pablo from Alchemy of the Breath, and the deep healing and bliss that we started to feel in the morning with our Tantric practice was compounded exponentially. It’s hard to explain exactly what happens during the breath work (you can read more about it here), but I spent a good deal of it sobbing because I could so clearly feel the love and support that every part of our world has for us. I felt like each leaf and bug, blade of grass, and animal had turned toward us and were holding us in unconditional love. Again, I really don’t have the words to explain how profound much of this experience was for me, especially as the facilitator. At the end of that first day, though, I said goodnight to women whose hearts were open and who were glowing both inside and out.

Our 8 days together was an adventure into the depths of our ourselves, into the wilds of Bali, and into the deep bonds of sisterhood and community. Every day was new and had a completely different flavour. There were challenging parts, lots of funny parts, and overall, a feeling of intense gratitude to be part of such a deeply bonded group that was able to do these remarkable things together in such a safe and beautiful space.

I’m still taking it all in and processing everything that happened. The women who came are extraordinary. I feel so honoured that they trusted me enough to follow me on this adventure - they were truly warrior Goddesses. They came with such open hearts and deep vulnerabilities that the magic moved through them so very easily. I have countless beautiful moments in my head of things that happened during our time together: Of coming into a common space in the morning and having women chatting and laughing together while having coffee, all of us swimming naked in the pool in the sun and under the moon, some of the women dancing together on the beach on our final night as a roving band serenaded us, the hugs and the tears and the laughter, and our walking sticks and rain ponchos from our epic adventure down 500 steps (and then back up!!) to see waterfalls during a monsoon rain! There’s just no way to explain these types of life occurrences.

I talked to my son about halfway through the retreat and he asked what I was excited for.  I told him "nothing", because I was feeling so deeply present that it felt like the past and the future did not exist. All I could do was surrender to that sensation completely, not only in that moment, but also then in the next moment and the next....

I am writing this from New Zealand, heading onto the next part of my adventure, but I am very much holding each one of those women and every one of those experiences very close to my heart.

Every time I have a group together I tell them that magic happens.. and it does. I am not sure how or why, but it always does.

This time, the magic of this land, the women’s deeply open hearts, the joy of burlesque, and the potent energy of tantra, created something extraordinary: A magic I had not before experienced in this way. I’m excited to see what this magic opens up for each of us who went on this epic journey. I will report back :)

I am wishing you magic and trusting that even as you read this, it will happen.

My heart is full.

Taking the time to celebrate

I haven’t been great at celebrating my own successes. They usually just speed by while I have been so focused on getting to the end of the race, that I don’t realize that I’ve won. I just head off to the next race.

I’m learning to stop and enjoy what I’ve created. I already do it with my best creations - my children - but that somehow seems easy because it’s not about me. It's about them and I’m happy to celebrate their awesomeness every chance that I can. But what about my creative children? I’ve poured countless hours into creating the shows, books, classes, workshops, and now retreat, that I offer, but it is rare for e to celebrate these offerings.So, as I am about to welcome 9 beautiful humans to my retreat in Bali, I am going to celebrate. I was up at 5 a.m. this morning doing a Green Tara meditation and dedicating the merit to this beautiful place, the people here, the elements, and the spirits. I will start the retreat with a Welcome Dinner, but truly, it will be a celebration that we all made it here to this amazing place. By “place” I mean both Bali and this place in our lives where we can spend 8 days healing and having fun. 

I will celebrate the culmination of the last 11 months of work and planning to bring this retreat to fruition. I will celebrate the beautiful women who trusted me enough to take this leap with me, and I will celebrate my wonderful assistant, Carmel, who has been invaluable to this creation (luckily she is on the retreat with me, so I can shower her with a lot of love!). I will celebrate my courageous spirit that allowed me to move forward on this retreat, even when my inner critic was trying to discourage me with so many good reasons as to why I shouldn’t. And ultimately, I will celebrate the power and beauty that happens when a group of people come together with the intention to heal and experience joy.

I have much to celebrate and I feel like I’m in exactly the right place to do it.  I hope you are celebrating your successes and pausing to bask in those moments.

On Living Your Dreams

I was talking with my Mom last night and realized that every time I am about to accomplish something that has been a big dream of mine, I am usually at the height of stress and self doubt. It is rare that I gracefully revel in my own levelling up, or bask in the glory of my achievements.  I am usually running around in the background, freaking out or in a high state of anxiety. Sometimes, these things have pushed me so far that my body has rebelled and making me very physically ill.

So, why is this? I want to be like those Instagram Goddesses - glistening, looking like I just stepped out of a yoga class, but with my hair and make up perfectly done. The ones with the flowing goddess-esque clothes, taking pictures of my gorgeous, clean house, sharing with you a serene behind the scenes me as I prepare to go to Bali, and release my first online course. (PLEASE LET THAT BE REAL SOMEDAY! LET THAT BE ME!!!)  But, instead it’s 4pm and I’ve been writing copy all day for the online course and haven’t bothered to even get dressed yet. I smell bad because I haven’t showered in 3 days and I haven’t yet brushed my teeth today. All of my tantric spaces are in upheaval because I have been rummaging through the house looking for what I'm going to need to bring with me for my 5 weeks away, and I’m on day 2 of cleaning the bathroom (I believe in breaking things down to make them manageable - this will be a 2-3 day task).

This is not the life of a goddess, an achiever, a woman who is living her dreams. Or is it?

After carving my path and being an entrepreneur for my whole adult life, what I have learned is that living your dreams is rarely glamorous unless you diligently plan for it to be that way (I totally forgot to plan for glamour, but I am ON IT for next time). It takes a HUGE amount of self motivation to work towards your dreams, and for me that is interspersed with frequent talks with my inner critic, asking it to just take a seat so I can just get this shit done!

I believe that I can learn to do this without the level of anxiety and discomfort that usually comes along with a success for me. I don’t believe there is a need to suffer for your art, or to make money, or to do or gain anything of value.  The first step of being able to enjoy the process of being successful is recognizing the pattern I’m living in right now.

This time around I have been SO much better at managing the discomfort of success. I have two massages booked this week. I am doing my daily quick heart centred meditation and adding in my long Tantric meditations as I can. I am remembering to breathe and I’m eating healthy food. I have a whole team supporting me! My feelings of anxiety are not really about what I’m experiencing in the moment, my feeling of anxiety is caused by the ghost of past success where my inner critic was running wild telling me that nothing I could ever achieve would be enough.  Yes, I still have a lot of work to do, but it’s manageable. It’s funny how the replay of those old feelings stick around - they were never the truth, and even now that I have the evidence that they are not the truth, it is still like an old movie on reply.

So, in the spirit of letting go of old patterns and welcoming in new ones, I am going to tell you what’s working for me and where I have been able to be present in this success.  I went to get groceries the other day and the cashier asked me how my day was. I told him that I had spent the day filming for my online course and now I was picking up some food so I could cook for my team for our business meeting. His response was, “Wow, that sounds like a great day!” and in that moment I was able to meet him and say, “Yeah, my life is awesome!”. When I take a moment to be present to the truth of my life this is what I feel! My life IS awesome!

Evidence of my awesome life:

 Being deeply entrenched in creating these online courses has been so healing. I have needed to step into my practices in order to create these courses, so it has forced me to do my practices during a time that I find very stressful.

Have I mentioned that my team is AMAZING!? I am feeling so blessed to work with Carmel, Brittany, and Mickey. They make my life SO much easier. It is wonderful to feel so supported in my business!

Holy crap, guys! I’m offering a retreat and PEOPLE ARE COMING!!! As I’m planning the last minute details for the retreat, I am getting more and more excited about being there. I love this work and am so grateful for the beautiful souls who are going on this adventure with me. PLUS I have Misty Moss and Goldie Glitterous as my co-facilitators throughout the week!! SO, not only do I get to take a group of wild women to Bali for the Experience of a lifetime, but I get to do it with 2 of the sweetest, most generous, and fun ladies ever!

And if that was not enough, did I tell you I’m making a stop in New Zealand to teach some workshops and see a dear friend before I come home? Yeah, no big deal!  My life rolls like that!!!

To top it all off, holy gratitude, Batman! My glorious family is the best!  I feel grateful on a daily basis that I have been lucky enough to have the children I do. My son and I talk daily - we geek out about  business and health and spirituality, and my daughter teaches me lessons in how to be actively practicing compassion by how she views and interacts with the world. I know it's not always easy for them to have such an unconventional mother but they take it in stride and value how I’m showing up in the world.

So, I guess living your dreams really is worth it. Life is stressful no matter what, so we need to learn and put into practice the skills to deal with the challenging parts no matter what we do. The payoff from the challenges I have experienced while creating this life is if I can slow myself down, do my practices, and just be present in the moment, I will actually have many, many extraordinary moments.

Just like I told that cashier “Yeah, my life is awesome!”

How I went from Mind Blowing Sex to getting down and dirty with the Divine!

I’ve had all the kinds of sex. I don’t mean I’ve done every sexual thing, I mean I’ve had good, bad, very bad, very good and amazing sex! I’ve had a wide array of sexual experiences with a number of different partners and in the last 5 or 6 years the sex was more often than not really, really good.

I’ve always been interested in human sexuality. My step father was a sex therapist while I was growing up so my house was filled with books on sexuality which  I read voraciously. So you could say I’ve been consciously thinking about human sexuality and to some degree studying it, since I was about 12 years old. 

By the time I started to study Tantra I thought I was having some of the best sex there was to have. I was multi orgasmic, I had very few inhibitions and happily explored my fantasies with an array of different partners. I could and did spend hours making love. The sex was good, really good but there was one thing missing. I never felt satiated. I felt sexually satisfied but I also felt a need for more as soon as I was done. 

I instinctively had an idea that I could get to a totally higher realm of being  through sex but I just couldn’t seem to find the way. I kept having glimpses of something that was beyond just good sex but I didn’t specifically know how to access it. The sex I was having was physically great but not hugely connected even though I really liked my partners and even loved some of them. What I was missing and what I was longing for was a connection to the divine. An extended and conscious experience of the glimpse of enlightenment we get through orgasm.

I have believed since I was a 13 year old, in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction, that all longing is a longing for the Divine. By Divine I mean connecting with something beyond ourselves. As a Vajrayana Buddhist I don’t believe in a Capital G God, I believe in the divinity in each of us and that when we connect with that divinity we step into our highest selves and remember that we are all part of a greater whole.

This is the Divine I was longing for and trying to fuck my way to. And no amount of amazing masturbation, or group sex or sexy partners where getting me there.

When I started studying Tantra I didn’t even know that I could achieve something beyond what was happening for me sexually. Things were good. I had a great sex life. I had many wonderful partners. I felt really good in my body. I thought I was going to learn how to have even better orgasms and how to teach other people how heal their sexuality using sex as medicine.

What has happened for me since is a HUGE healing of old trauma and a potent learning about how to connect to the divine through my own sexual energy (with or without a partner). I no longer need a partner to help me connect with that transcendent experience- I can connect through myself using my sexual or non sexual tantric practices. This divinity exists in me and through me. When I am with a partner the level of connection, opening, trust and intimacy is very high and so is the pleasure. The pleasure I experience now is something that sits in my pelvis like a little fire for days or weeks- long after the bliss of orgasm is gone.

For me the mixture of spiritually and sexuality is something that feels deeply true and right. There is an intersection that connects sexuality, spirituality and creativity and when we tap into this we step into our highest selves and most potent power. There is a reason why sexuality and its expression is seen as taboo. It’s because it is our power source. Can you imagine what it would be like if every person stepped into their power? If women embraced their bodies and sexuality instead of obsessing about how they look (I’m not judging, I do it too) and men embraced a fuller aspect of their sexuality that involved nurturing and sensuality. I think the world would be a very different place.

So now it’s pretty rare for me just to have a really good orgasm. Each orgasm is a conscious glimpse of enlightenment that brings healing and a deep and powerful connection to the divine. I went from Mind Blowing sex to Spirit Opening Sex!!!

A couple of things that have changed for me since I started this practice: 

I no longer have multiple partners- it is hard to find even one person with energy channels that will match yours. Now that I am energetically very open I definitely feel the residue of energy left over from a person I’m not aligned with- their energy can also block my energy channels so I am VERY discerning about who I share myself with sexually. 

My whole life is my Tantric Practice- Sex no longer seems taboo at all to me. It is just part of being healthy as a human. I see my sexual needs as natural, normal and very healthy. I also integrate non sexual tantric practices into all areas of my daily life. 

I look internally for gratification- this has been a big one. I’m a performer and a professional sexy woman. I have build a life around having external gratification. It has been hard but I now look inside to see my own worth rather than looking to an audience, partner, parent, authority or friend. It was hella painful for about a year but the more I turn inward the more free I feel.

I recognize my own divinity and call myself to step into it- This is really about personal responsibility. When I step into my own divinity it means I need to choose love, divine compassion, maturity and take responsibly not just for who I am and how I affect people but also for what I’m drawing into my life. If my life is shit it’s because of me. It is so much easier to blame other people but you have SO much more freedom, happiness, power and ability to serve the world if you walk this path.

So yah, the sex I have is often beyond mind blowing because of the level of healing I get from it, because of the creative opening, because it calls me to my highest self and because if I share this with a partner I am offering all of this to them as well.

I wish you amazing sex, many orgasms and most importantly a connection with the Divine (whatever that means to you).

If you want to learn more about Tibetan Buddhist Tantra you can contact me or check out my teacher Devi Ward at www.authentictantra.com 

The Connection Between Sexuality and Creativity

Join me and Devi Ward as we explore the connection between sexuality and creativity! Get the inside scoop from two accomplished Vajrayana Tantrik Dakini’s on how sexual and non-sexual tantric practices can improve both sexuality and creativity as well as begin cultivating a dramatic transformation in all aspects of your life.

This was such a great conversation! I’m so happy to share it with you.

For more information about Authentic Tantra check out their website at www.authentictantra.com

I hope you enjoy it!

Your Body is a Genius!

Did you know that your body is a genius? Like really, it’s a fucking superstar! I had a spontaneous burst of gratitude this week for my body and the recognition of everything my body does for me.

 Some of you know that I’ve spent a lot of the last 2 years really struggling with my health. After years of working to unpack many negative beliefs about my body and create new ways of connecting with and loving my body, I felt like I was in a place of fighting my body again. Not only was I feeling physically unwell and incapable of my normal way of being; my joints were constantly swollen, I gained 20lbs over 6 weeks, I was almost constantly deeply fatigued (among other more serious symptoms)- I also felt like I was aging rapidly- both internally and externally; suddenly wrinkles were etching my face, my muscles were losing their shape and my skin was not as plump or elastic as I was used too. It was an incredible challenge not to fall into self-loathing again. 

Instead I choose to try to shift my perception to see this as “perfect”.  There were internal shifts taking place, blocks being met and released, and something beyond my conscious mind was happening that needed my support, not my anger and resentment. It has been frustrating (to say the least) not to fit into clothes or costumes, not to be able to move in ways I’ve been used to, to see pictures of myself that don’t represent the me I see in my mind, and it has been a beautiful opportunity to let go and to trust my body and its journey. 

I have done a lot of very focused healing over the last 2 years. It has involved the medical system, my naturopath, my traditional Chinese doctor, Shamanism and self-healing on a very deep level. What I’ve learned from all of it, is that my body is a fucking genius! 

Throughout this process my body never fought me, I was always the one fighting my body. My body was 100% on my side, trying it’s best to protect me and to heal. When I was quiet and still, I could listen to it’s suggestions and I made decisions like putting off a colonoscopy for 3 months, so I could instead go to Mexico, rest, relax and listen more closely to what my body was asking for. It whispered things that I had been avoiding hearing for years. It told me to let go, to rest, to stop my relentless drive to succeed and to instead just be. Like a spoiled child I had been rebelling and it wasn't until this past January when the fatigue was so great that I couldn't push past it that I truly stopped and fully started to listen. With care and focus and support my body has healed and as I walked in the sunshine this week, with a feeling of elation (rather than exhaustion) I was overcome with gratitude for a body that tells me what it needs (if I’m willing to listen) and that heals from everything I put it through. 

So, thank goddess for our beautiful bodies, that are like universes of activity under the surface, that always work towards our highest benefit and continue on without recognition or love most of the time.  

I am deeply grateful for this body and its innate wisdom.